This week, at the ripe old age of 83, and for the first time in my adult life, I've experienced inklings of what might be considered a smattering of literal belief in some elements of religious dogma.
To what do I owe this battlefield conversion?
As a professional system engineer, I pride myself on a record of leading complex projects with a steady, logical, non-emotional hand. When uncertainty strikes and ordinary mortals run hither and yon casting blame, my self-image is of the strong, mostly silent guy who saves the day with a series of bold, ingenious, selfless strokes. At the moment of crisis, when my totally unexpected solution is first revealed, it may appear unusual, even dangerous. However, looking back after the event, my fix appears to be the only logical response.
My Emotional Roller-Coaster
This past year has assaulted my emotional balance like no other.
Two weeks ago, (Friday the 13th of May 2022) I took a tumble and fractured my right femur near the ball-and-socket joint where it attaches to the hip. I'm currently at Freedom Pointe Rehab recovering from the surgery that replaced the ball.
All has gone well medically. Family and friends have come thru with flying colors. However, I'm not used to being so dependent on others for permission and help in performing basic bodily functions.
I'm also in considerable pain and feeling some unusual emotions, possibly as a side-effect of pain medications.
For example, I've been working on this Blog posting for a few days, which is longer than usual for me. During that time, some of the stories and observations that struck me as unusually profound when I first thought of them and typed the words into the computer, seem to have lost much of their power and punch.
My hip fracture is but a bit of punctuation on a very difficult year.
About a year ago, my wife Violet and I were distressed to discover she could no longer get from our apartment at Freedom Pointe Independent Living to the Dining Room in a reasonable time using her walker. This was due to complications of serious liver disease (not from drinking but from her diabetes). I had to buy a transport chair and wheel her around the building. Soon thereafter, she was unable to leave our apartment without that chair.
Last September, she underwent a "TIPS" surgery to place a shunt on her liver. That operation failed due to occlusions in her veins.
Within a week, she fell in our apartment and could not get up. The staff called 911, EMTs came and took her to the Hospital Emergency Room (ER). After about a week of treatment at the Hospital, she was released to Freedom Pointe Rehab (the very facility currently caring for me). Alas, during her second week at Rehab, she fell, could not get up, and was back at the ER.
This vicious cycle repeated until, after her fourth stint at Rehab, she was released back to our apartment. We had a nice week together with our good friends, including a visit to Fenney Springs Nature Trail, where she enjoyed the sight of birds, turtles, and a sleepy gator, followed by a much-appreciated fast-food chicken sandwich and fries.
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A few days after that adventure, I found her in her bed, responsive but confused. The Freedom Pointe nurse came, checked her vitals (which were way off) and called 911. The Hospital is just across the street from where we live, but, by the time the super-efficient EMTs got her to the ER, she was non-responsive. She was transferred to the ICU. There, after examination, the medical staff suggested she should be put into DNR status, in accordance with our Health Care Directive. Our daughter Lisa, via cellphone, spoke to the nurse and doctor, and confirmed our decision. She was transferred to Cornerstone Hospice care where, six months ago November 27, 2021, my wife of 57 years passed away. 
My Current Situation
So, here I am confined to Room 117 at the Freedom Pointe Rehab Facility,
... in pain with a newly repaired hip fracture,
... unable to tend to the basic needs of life without assistance,
... and tortured by a persist "earworm" that won't give me a moment of peace: Leslie Caron - "Hi, Lili, hi lo"
... ♫The Song of Love is a song of woe (for I have loved, and I know),
... ♫ I look out the window and watch the rain,
... ♫ Tomorrow I'll probably love again, (hi lili, hi lili, hi lo)
Why is Love, ultimately, and seemingly inevitably, tinged with sorrow? No matter how positively motivated, well-matched, and attractive the couple, we are human and will have "bad days".
If a loving marriage survives the less than optimum periods without breaking up, one or the other partner is going to pass way, leaving the surviving partner alone, and sad (like me).
Our oldest daughter, Lisa, loves to tell how, in discussing death with her mother (Violet), she expected to be reunited in Heaven with Rena, our second daughter who passed away too early, at the age of 49. Violet also expected to see our wonderful Golden Retriever, Toffee!
So, here are two of the stories that, a few days ago, struck me as particularly meaningful. These are examples of the fantasy stories we tell ourselves as we try to make sense of the "rat race" we endure. The endless cycles of Life and Death, Pain and Pleasure, Innocence and Guilt, War and Peace, Good and Evil...
Crystal Bridge Story
There are many variants to this story. Here is my favorite.
Where do Beloved Pets go when they pass away?
There is a beautiful pet park just outside the gates of Heaven. When a Beloved Pet dies, it is restored to its condition at its prime of life and placed in the pet park. The Beloved Pets enjoy their time playing with each other.
If you watch closely, you may notice, on occasion, one Beloved Pet pause, and stop playing.
That Pet stands very still, thrusts its nose up in the air, and sniffs.
Sniff! Sniff Sniff !! SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF !!!
Then the Beloved Pet turns and runs to greet their Beloved Master. Together, they pass over the Crystal Bridge to spend eternity in Heaven.
I'll leave unspecified some logistics issues. What if a Master has more than one Beloved Pet? What if a Pet has more than one Beloved Master? I think it is always 1:1. Thus, a given Master may have only one Absolute Beloved Pet, and a given Pet may have only one Absolute Beloved Master.
Or, since we are talking about Pets restored to their prime conditions, perhaps there are as many simulated images of each as may be needed to pair them off. (This simulation solution also addresses the question of the Pets eating, drinking, peeing, and pooping.)
Footprints In the Sands of Time Story
When a worthy person passes on, they are shown an overview of the life they lived, each scene or critical event accompanied by a depiction of the footprints they would have left had they been walking on the beach.
The first thing you notice is that there are two sets of footprints running along the image.
Q: Whose footprints are depicted by the extra set?
A: They are the footprints of God who accompanies worthy people throughout their lives.
Then you notice that there are some stretches of your life in which only one set of footprints are depicted. Indeed, the sections with only one set of footprints correspond to the most difficult and painful stretches of your life.
Q: Why do some periods of life have only one set of footprints? Are those periods when you displeased God or your belief in God faded?
A: Oh no! Those were the times of your life, when I (God) carried you!
X-Ray of New Ball and Two Dozen Staples Removed
Friday May 27th (two weeks since my Friday the 13th fall). Quick visit to Dr. Phillips' office in nearby Santa Fe shopping strip for examination and removal of a couple dozen staples. Visible progress. Thanks to John Griffin for accompanying me and taking the photos. And to Freedom Pointe drivers Robert and Dollar Bill for your efficient service.
Moses, Spinoza, and Einstein
Albert Einstein was a famous scientist for over a decade when he came to the US in 1933. Accused of being an Atheist, he replied that he was not an Atheist but believed in the (Pantheistic) God of Baruch Spinoza. "I believe in Spinoza's God, who reveals Himself in the lawful harmony of the world, not in a God who concerns Himself with the fate and the doings of mankind."
Spinoza is regarded as an Atheist by some humanists who reject his Pantheism as being devoid of a worship of the Universe. As a major character in my free online novel (2052 - The Hawking Plan: Chapter 1 -- Stephanie Goldenrod (2052hp.blogspot.com) states "Spinoza is the most God-infused person the Jewish community has ever produced."
“As Einstein said when he was accused of being an atheist,” replied Izzy with great earnestness, “I believe in the God of Spinoza.”
“But, Spinoza was an atheist,” said Preench.
“Oh - heavens - no,” said Izzy, “Spinoza was the most God-infused man our people produced since Moses. Moses had a glimpse of the back of God’s head, Spinoza glimpsed His brain!”
“But,” interjected Preench, “Spinoza was excommunicated by his fellow Jews! How do you explain that?”
“Like all peoples,” replied Izzy, “We sometimes make mistakes. Our mistakes tend to be big ones! Historic ones even! Our mistakes have contributed more to the knowledge of human civilization than the non-mistakes of everyone else combined! For instance when Einstein said his suggestion of a ‘cosmological constant’ was his ‘greatest blunder’. That turned out to be the key that unlocked our current understanding of the unified field theory! Our excommunication of Spinoza was indeed a blunder but it turned out to be the key that unlocked all of modern philosophy. Had we kept him to ourselves, modern western thought might be quite different.”
“So?” asked Preench, studiously ignoring Izzy’s unsupportable hyperbole. “Who or what is this ‘God of Spinoza’? This ‘Meta-Power in the physical Universe’ you say is ‘Conscious’? If this ‘God’ is physical and in this Universe, show Him to me!”
“If it was daytime, I would ask you to look at the Sun.”
“You can’t look directly at the Sun,” said Preench, “It would burn out your eyes! But we can look at the Sun through a dark glass.”
“Or we can take a photograph,” added Stephanie. “Izzy, show me a photograph of your God! Of Spinoza and Einstein’s God!”
“Excellent,” replied Izzy. “If you can’t look directly at the Sun without going blind, and the Sun is a tiny speck in the whole of the Universe, how do you expect to see or comprehend the God of Spinoza, which is the whole Universe? Just as your view of the Sun through a dark glass or a photo is a tiny fraction of the brilliance of that star, every image you have ever seen directly with your eyes is a tiny fraction of the true image of God. Every beautiful vista, every view of the stars, every microscopic image of bacteria – all of these are small parts of God. Spinoza’s God is the physical Universe.”
“OK,” I said, assuming my professorial demeanor, “Spinoza and Einstein and you are ‘Pantheists’, as am I. But how can you prove that the physical Universe is Conscious and ‘guides the events of the world in a generally positive direction’ as you claim?”
“I believe,” said Izzy, quite slowly and with a very serious expression on his face, “That the Earth is a developing organism that may have evolved something like Consciousness at a level above that of any of us humans here on Earth. That is something I can't prove, but which I would like to believe. The reason I would like to believe it is, absent an external Creator God who I can't reasonably believe in, if the Earth is not Conscious, we will certainly wipe ourselves out with nuclear or genetic or some other technology and destroy human life and civilization sooner or later.”
Izzy shook his head left and right. “I cannot prove it, but I have faith! I believe it with all my heart and mind. Can you prove that you are conscious? You would say you experience consciousness and you have faith that Stephanie and Preench and Tsar, as normal human beings, also feel consciousness as you do. But, can you prove it? No!
“You could tear their brains open. All you would find is a complex network of electro-chemical machines we call neurons, a type of living eukaryotic biological cell. We say Tsar has a ‘mind’ but where is it? Show me a photo of Tsar’s mind! You cannot! Stephanie has a mind and is conscious and understands English and Japanese and many other things as a result of the interaction of billions of these neurons. However, do any of the neurons understand English or Japanese? Are they conscious at the human level? No!”
“How in hell do you know I understand Japanese? ...”
“This is all atheistic sophistry,” cried Tsar, speaking over Stephanie. “Sound and fury signifying nothing! ...”
“No, no, no!” replied Preench, firmly contradicting his father. “We humans are conscious and understand languages and think as a result of the interaction of a complex network of neurons – relatively simple electro-chemical machines. Why couldn’t the Earth, or some parts of it, be conscious as the result of international trade routes and communications networks between people? Complex networks of telephones and radios and computers and the WIN and so on have expanded over the past several decades. They link all parts of the Earth together like the nervous system of a developing human being.”
Izzy said something to Stephanie in Japanese. “Oh, yes, my official TABB resume says I understand Japanese!” she replied.
Izzy smiled and cast his glance to Preench. “You are correct. Your father should be proud of you!” Tsar stared at his son and then Izzy. He shook his head left and right. After a moment, he looked back at his son and smiled brightly for the first time that evening.
Last month, we Celebrated the Amazing Life of Violet Glickstein and this week marks the half-year anniversary of her passing on November 27th, 2021 (Rest in Peace Violet Glickstein, My Dear Wife of 57 Years)
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